Friday, 8 August 2008
Saturday, 26 July 2008
Rinse
She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye
she would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
she's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright
for answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight
She must rinse this all away
she can't hold him this way
she must rinse this all away
she can't love him this way
How she'd be soothed, how she'd be saved if he could see
she needs to be held in his arms to be free
but everything happens for reasons that she will never understand
'til she knows the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man
[chorus]
And if she runs away she fears she won't be followed
what could be the worse than leaving something behind
and as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow
it's loneliness she finds...
if only he was mine
It's one of my favourite songs. One of my favourites when I'm feeling sorry for myself. It seems rather apt right now.
I just basically got told that the reason an old best friend has pretended I don't exist for the past year, openly ignoring me in public situations, is because... because he realised what I'm like. He realised, and decided that he doesn't want to be friends with someone like me.
After a year of making me feel like crap, he's decided we have to be civil with each other "for the good of the group". Despite me always wanting to sort it out and hating the atmosphere that surrounded us, he would never give me an explanation for his sudden change in behaviour towards me. But now he wants to clear the air. So I agreed to talk.
He still offered no explanation as to how I'd "changed" or what I'd done that was so wrong.
So all I can gather from him is that there is a fundamental flaw in my personality. There is something wrong with me that has caused him to intentionally have nothing to do with me.
And now I'm petrified that someone else is going to discover that same flaw. Someone else is going to realise what I'm "really like" and cut me out of their life similarly.
If I knew what was so wrong with me, I could attempt to change it. But... how do I fix something if I don't know it's broken?
Before I attempt to soul search any further, I have something else to do. I'm making a conscious decision to clear Bash from my life.
After Belgium I decided I wanted nothing more to do with him, but I couldn't do it properly because he was so involved in my life through mutual friends, our degree, and OTC. But now the only ties we have are our friends. I'll be off to France and he'll be off to Sandhurst, so there is no real need for our paths to cross again.
D'you know what hurts the most? For a long time Bash was the only person outside my family that I believe ever really knew me. I was honest with him beyond belief. So if he's seen the real me, and then decided he doesn't like it, what the hell does that tell me? It tells me to keep things to myself, like I always planned to do.
I recently opened up to Steve. Now all I have to do is wait for him to follow in Bash's footsteps.
she would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
she's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright
for answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight
She must rinse this all away
she can't hold him this way
she must rinse this all away
she can't love him this way
How she'd be soothed, how she'd be saved if he could see
she needs to be held in his arms to be free
but everything happens for reasons that she will never understand
'til she knows the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man
[chorus]
And if she runs away she fears she won't be followed
what could be the worse than leaving something behind
and as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow
it's loneliness she finds...
if only he was mine
Rinse - Vanessa Carlton
It's one of my favourite songs. One of my favourites when I'm feeling sorry for myself. It seems rather apt right now.
I just basically got told that the reason an old best friend has pretended I don't exist for the past year, openly ignoring me in public situations, is because... because he realised what I'm like. He realised, and decided that he doesn't want to be friends with someone like me.
After a year of making me feel like crap, he's decided we have to be civil with each other "for the good of the group". Despite me always wanting to sort it out and hating the atmosphere that surrounded us, he would never give me an explanation for his sudden change in behaviour towards me. But now he wants to clear the air. So I agreed to talk.
He still offered no explanation as to how I'd "changed" or what I'd done that was so wrong.
So all I can gather from him is that there is a fundamental flaw in my personality. There is something wrong with me that has caused him to intentionally have nothing to do with me.
And now I'm petrified that someone else is going to discover that same flaw. Someone else is going to realise what I'm "really like" and cut me out of their life similarly.
If I knew what was so wrong with me, I could attempt to change it. But... how do I fix something if I don't know it's broken?
Before I attempt to soul search any further, I have something else to do. I'm making a conscious decision to clear Bash from my life.
After Belgium I decided I wanted nothing more to do with him, but I couldn't do it properly because he was so involved in my life through mutual friends, our degree, and OTC. But now the only ties we have are our friends. I'll be off to France and he'll be off to Sandhurst, so there is no real need for our paths to cross again.
D'you know what hurts the most? For a long time Bash was the only person outside my family that I believe ever really knew me. I was honest with him beyond belief. So if he's seen the real me, and then decided he doesn't like it, what the hell does that tell me? It tells me to keep things to myself, like I always planned to do.
I recently opened up to Steve. Now all I have to do is wait for him to follow in Bash's footsteps.
Flown Visit.
It's nearly time for me to disappear again. My flurry of blog posts has matched my flurry of activity around Leamington as I attempt to do everything before leaving again.
In three days I have:
Closed my student bank account. Finally, I am free from the evils of fucking Lloyds TSB. Before shredding my card the pristinely dressed Lloyds-worker asked me why I was leaving. I didn't have the energy to tell her, so I gave her a withering look, waved my hand limply and told her it was a long story. Goodbye.
Opened an ISA. Cunningly named the "Tax Haven ISA", I have sold my soul to the devil that is Barclays. The Grandparents give me money to be saved, and saved it must be. So it's now sat in another account, winking at me, begging to be spent. A pair of skis would go down nicely for this ski season...
Spent a silly amount of money in JJB Sports. I don't really do sports shops, but after slashing my trousers (and leg) open on a barbed wire fence, I had to venture into the Chav Lands to replace them. I also needed a new swimming costume after my old one was defiled, and a new pair of running shorts didn't go amiss.
Picnic'd with my friends. The sun was shining so we had to do what us Leamingtonians do well; we sat in the park. Good old Mr Jefferson would be proud. And then Helly and I followed it up by hiring a rowing boat on the Leam.
Dined with my girls. We caught up and gossiped over a bottle of pink champagne (left over from my birthday 7months ago). Becca cooked.
Brunched with Alex. Lunched with Alasdair.
Despite not seeing a hell of a lot of people, I feel I have maximised my socialising over these past few days. I've spent a lot of the money I earned last week, but it's been worth it because, hell, it's summer! And this is supposed to be the start of my "year out". If I can't enjoy myself now, when can I, eh?
Oops. I nearly slipped up and ended that conversation with a "Love you".
Note to self: You're not allowed to say that anymore.
In three days I have:
Closed my student bank account. Finally, I am free from the evils of fucking Lloyds TSB. Before shredding my card the pristinely dressed Lloyds-worker asked me why I was leaving. I didn't have the energy to tell her, so I gave her a withering look, waved my hand limply and told her it was a long story. Goodbye.
Opened an ISA. Cunningly named the "Tax Haven ISA", I have sold my soul to the devil that is Barclays. The Grandparents give me money to be saved, and saved it must be. So it's now sat in another account, winking at me, begging to be spent. A pair of skis would go down nicely for this ski season...
Spent a silly amount of money in JJB Sports. I don't really do sports shops, but after slashing my trousers (and leg) open on a barbed wire fence, I had to venture into the Chav Lands to replace them. I also needed a new swimming costume after my old one was defiled, and a new pair of running shorts didn't go amiss.
Picnic'd with my friends. The sun was shining so we had to do what us Leamingtonians do well; we sat in the park. Good old Mr Jefferson would be proud. And then Helly and I followed it up by hiring a rowing boat on the Leam.
Dined with my girls. We caught up and gossiped over a bottle of pink champagne (left over from my birthday 7months ago). Becca cooked.
Brunched with Alex. Lunched with Alasdair.
Despite not seeing a hell of a lot of people, I feel I have maximised my socialising over these past few days. I've spent a lot of the money I earned last week, but it's been worth it because, hell, it's summer! And this is supposed to be the start of my "year out". If I can't enjoy myself now, when can I, eh?
Oops. I nearly slipped up and ended that conversation with a "Love you".
Note to self: You're not allowed to say that anymore.
Friday, 25 July 2008
Love and Stuff
I should be jumping in the shower right now, and getting my gladrags on so that I'm on time for visiting Becca. However, I was walking home from town in the sweaty sunshine... and thinking. Whenever I walk that route I'm on auto-pilot; my feet just walk it and leave my thoughts to drift elsewhere.
I talked to Becca today about Steve and I. It helped; she understood.
It's not the same, but she's in a similar situation with her ex; they can't live with each other and they can't live without each other. As soon as that little sentence popped into my head when I was talking to Steve, no matter how cheesy and clichéd it is, it fitted. Becca and Rob have been on and off for the whole time she's been at university, despite her having various boyfriends and menfolk along the way. I'm not suggesting Steve and I follow that path, but it meant she could understand where I'm coming from.
When Ben and I broke up we tried to say that one day we'd get back together and live happily ever after. One day... when things are different. Well that one day is clearly never going to happen (congratulations to Ben and Liz)! The thought of me bumping into Steve one day, a few years down the line, and rekindling what romance we have is the most perfect thought to me right now. But I also have to be realistic and realise that we both need to move on.
Just no outright goodbyes. Can't we just fade away?
Another thing Becca and I agreed on was that, although it seems horridly grown up and old-before-our-time, it's hard to consider any kind of relationship without being serious about it. As in, we feel like if we start dating someone, there's no point in continuing it if they're not marriage material. I'm not sure where that concept came from, or even if it's entirely healthy, but I just don't want to start anything with anyone right now if I don't think it's going to be serious. Flings just waste time... time I could spend looking for Mr Right.
Ok, ok, maybe that's coming across a bit worse that I intended it to! Men, you can stop fleeing. I'm not planning on tying down the next man that comes along! It's going to be a long long time before I even consider wearing a white dress. You know what I mean though, right?
Anyway, you know me, I'll probably sleep with the captain of a rugby team next week and think nothing of it.
I talked to Becca today about Steve and I. It helped; she understood.
It's not the same, but she's in a similar situation with her ex; they can't live with each other and they can't live without each other. As soon as that little sentence popped into my head when I was talking to Steve, no matter how cheesy and clichéd it is, it fitted. Becca and Rob have been on and off for the whole time she's been at university, despite her having various boyfriends and menfolk along the way. I'm not suggesting Steve and I follow that path, but it meant she could understand where I'm coming from.
When Ben and I broke up we tried to say that one day we'd get back together and live happily ever after. One day... when things are different. Well that one day is clearly never going to happen (congratulations to Ben and Liz)! The thought of me bumping into Steve one day, a few years down the line, and rekindling what romance we have is the most perfect thought to me right now. But I also have to be realistic and realise that we both need to move on.
Just no outright goodbyes. Can't we just fade away?
Another thing Becca and I agreed on was that, although it seems horridly grown up and old-before-our-time, it's hard to consider any kind of relationship without being serious about it. As in, we feel like if we start dating someone, there's no point in continuing it if they're not marriage material. I'm not sure where that concept came from, or even if it's entirely healthy, but I just don't want to start anything with anyone right now if I don't think it's going to be serious. Flings just waste time... time I could spend looking for Mr Right.
Ok, ok, maybe that's coming across a bit worse that I intended it to! Men, you can stop fleeing. I'm not planning on tying down the next man that comes along! It's going to be a long long time before I even consider wearing a white dress. You know what I mean though, right?
Anyway, you know me, I'll probably sleep with the captain of a rugby team next week and think nothing of it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
