Rinse

She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye
she would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
she's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright
for answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight

She must rinse this all away
she can't hold him this way
she must rinse this all away
she can't love him this way

How she'd be soothed, how she'd be saved if he could see
she needs to be held in his arms to be free
but everything happens for reasons that she will never understand
'til she knows the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man

[chorus]

And if she runs away she fears she won't be followed
what could be the worse than leaving something behind
and as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow
it's loneliness she finds...
if only he was mine

Rinse - Vanessa Carlton

It's one of my favourite songs. One of my favourites when I'm feeling sorry for myself. It seems rather apt right now.

I just basically got told that the reason an old best friend has pretended I don't exist for the past year, openly ignoring me in public situations, is because... because he realised what I'm like. He realised, and decided that he doesn't want to be friends with someone like me.
After a year of making me feel like crap, he's decided we have to be civil with each other "for the good of the group". Despite me always wanting to sort it out and hating the atmosphere that surrounded us, he would never give me an explanation for his sudden change in behaviour towards me. But now he wants to clear the air. So I agreed to talk.

He still offered no explanation as to how I'd "changed" or what I'd done that was so wrong.

So all I can gather from him is that there is a fundamental flaw in my personality. There is something wrong with me that has caused him to intentionally have nothing to do with me.

And now I'm petrified that someone else is going to discover that same flaw. Someone else is going to realise what I'm "really like" and cut me out of their life similarly.

If I knew what was so wrong with me, I could attempt to change it. But... how do I fix something if I don't know it's broken?


Before I attempt to soul search any further, I have something else to do. I'm making a conscious decision to clear Bash from my life.
After Belgium I decided I wanted nothing more to do with him, but I couldn't do it properly because he was so involved in my life through mutual friends, our degree, and OTC. But now the only ties we have are our friends. I'll be off to France and he'll be off to Sandhurst, so there is no real need for our paths to cross again.

D'you know what hurts the most? For a long time Bash was the only person outside my family that I believe ever really knew me. I was honest with him beyond belief. So if he's seen the real me, and then decided he doesn't like it, what the hell does that tell me? It tells me to keep things to myself, like I always planned to do.

I recently opened up to Steve. Now all I have to do is wait for him to follow in Bash's footsteps.

Flown Visit.

It's nearly time for me to disappear again. My flurry of blog posts has matched my flurry of activity around Leamington as I attempt to do everything before leaving again.

In three days I have:
Closed my student bank account. Finally, I am free from the evils of fucking Lloyds TSB. Before shredding my card the pristinely dressed Lloyds-worker asked me why I was leaving. I didn't have the energy to tell her, so I gave her a withering look, waved my hand limply and told her it was a long story. Goodbye.
Opened an ISA. Cunningly named the "Tax Haven ISA", I have sold my soul to the devil that is Barclays. The Grandparents give me money to be saved, and saved it must be. So it's now sat in another account, winking at me, begging to be spent. A pair of skis would go down nicely for this ski season...
Spent a silly amount of money in JJB Sports. I don't really do sports shops, but after slashing my trousers (and leg) open on a barbed wire fence, I had to venture into the Chav Lands to replace them. I also needed a new swimming costume after my old one was defiled, and a new pair of running shorts didn't go amiss.
Picnic'd with my friends. The sun was shining so we had to do what us Leamingtonians do well; we sat in the park. Good old Mr Jefferson would be proud. And then Helly and I followed it up by hiring a rowing boat on the Leam.
Dined with my girls. We caught up and gossiped over a bottle of pink champagne (left over from my birthday 7months ago). Becca cooked.
Brunched with Alex. Lunched with Alasdair.
Despite not seeing a hell of a lot of people, I feel I have maximised my socialising over these past few days. I've spent a lot of the money I earned last week, but it's been worth it because, hell, it's summer! And this is supposed to be the start of my "year out". If I can't enjoy myself now, when can I, eh?

Oops. I nearly slipped up and ended that conversation with a "Love you".
Note to self: You're not allowed to say that anymore.

Love and Stuff

I should be jumping in the shower right now, and getting my gladrags on so that I'm on time for visiting Becca. However, I was walking home from town in the sweaty sunshine... and thinking. Whenever I walk that route I'm on auto-pilot; my feet just walk it and leave my thoughts to drift elsewhere.

I talked to Becca today about Steve and I. It helped; she understood.
It's not the same, but she's in a similar situation with her ex; they can't live with each other and they can't live without each other. As soon as that little sentence popped into my head when I was talking to Steve, no matter how cheesy and clichéd it is, it fitted. Becca and Rob have been on and off for the whole time she's been at university, despite her having various boyfriends and menfolk along the way. I'm not suggesting Steve and I follow that path, but it meant she could understand where I'm coming from.

When Ben and I broke up we tried to say that one day we'd get back together and live happily ever after. One day... when things are different. Well that one day is clearly never going to happen (congratulations to Ben and Liz)! The thought of me bumping into Steve one day, a few years down the line, and rekindling what romance we have is the most perfect thought to me right now. But I also have to be realistic and realise that we both need to move on.
Just no outright goodbyes. Can't we just fade away?


Another thing Becca and I agreed on was that, although it seems horridly grown up and old-before-our-time, it's hard to consider any kind of relationship without being serious about it. As in, we feel like if we start dating someone, there's no point in continuing it if they're not marriage material. I'm not sure where that concept came from, or even if it's entirely healthy, but I just don't want to start anything with anyone right now if I don't think it's going to be serious. Flings just waste time... time I could spend looking for Mr Right.

Ok, ok, maybe that's coming across a bit worse that I intended it to! Men, you can stop fleeing. I'm not planning on tying down the next man that comes along! It's going to be a long long time before I even consider wearing a white dress. You know what I mean though, right?

Anyway, you know me, I'll probably sleep with the captain of a rugby team next week and think nothing of it.

The longest post IN THE WORLD!

I spent much of yesterday dividing my 300 photos up into neat categories to make uploading easier. How very organised of me.
There are so many fantastic photos, but I know noone really wants to see them all.

Field and Enemy
I basically spent my first week doing weapons training, before deploying to Dartmoor for the Field Exercise. As a 3rd year with no command position, I played The Enemy - basking in the comfort of being non-tactical. We had an ace time; a really good laugh. Although it wasn't as easy as the Friendly Forces believe... I walked a good few miles each day! Considering we had to repeatedly visit sites we knew they were observing (to give them something to observe), and each visit was a 3mile round trip. We were also the only ones that actually slept in the field, as the rest of them were harboured up in a farmhouse! However, I'm not complaining; I loved it. Especially the dressing up.

Fancy Dress & Mess Nights
Annual Camp wouldn't be the same without the copious amounts of alcohol drunk throughout the 2weeks. We work hard, and we play harder. Of course it has resulted in me making myself horrendously ill, but I'd do it all the same.
This year's fancy dress theme was Disney, and I was so impressed with the effort that was put in by everyone! I was the Lion King, but there was a representative from nearly every film!

As I said in my last post; most nights I left the mess well after my friends... That meant it was usually light by the time I got into bed. The last picture is Kim and I wandering home at 5.30am, to get into bed only to be woken at 6.30am to go cycling.

Adventurous Training
We went... Kayaking, cycling, hiking, rock-climbing and abseiling. Some people got the chance to scuba dive, but there were limitted places and they weren't interested in 3rd years so I missed out.
For the record; I absolutely hate mountain biking. Ever since first year when Hannah and I cried, I've had a mental block on mountain biking. Cycling, I'm fine with. Give me a road and I'll happily plod along. But stick me on a bike on rough terrain going up and down hills and I will hate you forever. To make matters worse, it was just after a heavy night in the mess which had ended with Steve getting wasted and laying into me. It was not a good day.
Abseiling/rock-climbing was ace, despite the awful weather! We were abseiling off cliffs in the fog so we couldn't see the bottom, and climbing up rocks that were resembling waterfalls as the rain poured off the sides of them.
Kayaking was also fantastic and the best hangover cure. I think I was still drunk when I climbed in my boat! I discovered I have a bit of a knack for it. I think it's due to my good sense of balance. However, I did capsize once, in the middle of the lake where there was nowhere for me to climb out and empty my kayak. I have no idea how I managed it, and noone saw me actually go under. I planned to carry out the drills properly (staying under, hitting the top of the kayak) but as soon as my head crashed under the water panic hit me and I ripped off my spray deck to escape! Oops. Maybe next time.
The hike was lovely too. It was a gorgeous sunny day and we were all in high spirits. We were virtually rock-climbing though as we were going up and down glacial valleys with huge boulders.

National Treasure & Regimental Dinner
The CO is all about changing the way the army recruits people because recruiting numbers are really dropping. Basically (in my opinion) he is using us as guinea pigs to carry out his own agenda. As a result, he used us to test out his new leadership scheme that he's developing to sell to big businesses to instill leadership capabilities in their employees. We named it National Treasure, and the name stuck.
I spent the 2 days with my beloved CLG (there is a lot of back story to him, but basically he started the year as a grumpy bastard, and I've spent 2yrs trying to break him). We had an ace couple of days and I already miss him. I never though I'd say that!
The first day we manned a command task stand, where teams had to build a bridge across a river whilst blindfolded, in order to retrieve a casualty. Unfortunately, noone fell in, much to mine and CLGs disappointment! The second day, Ellie and I walked around Meldon Reservoir about 4times, running errands for various members of staff and having the most fantastic gossip/catch up/moan ever. I really feel like I got to know her properly that day, and it's quite upsetting to think that we never did that in the 3yrs we've known each other.

Then, that evening, we had my final regimental dinner with LUOTC! It wasn't as emotional as anticipated because everyone had been up since 4am and so we were exhausted. However, the food was great, the company was fantastic, and I'll remember it forever.

The next morning we left the 1st and 2nd years to clean camp, and we escaped to a little cafe in the nearby town for cream teas. It's a nice last memory to be; sitting in the sunshine and merrily eating a scone with clotted cream and jam.
It wasn't until the coaches pulled up and, one by one, people hugged me and said their goodbyes that it hit me and I got upset. Silly me; I was the only one to shed a tear! Although, in my defense, a lot of them are going surfing together in few weeks so it wasn't really goodbyes for them.
And then... Hannah and I drove off home... sob.

Summer Camp 2008

On a more upbeat note: I have had a fantastic 2weeks!

I’ve spent a lot of my time role-playing... I’ve been a belly-dancing afghan villager, a Taliban fighter and a Christian aid worker. I’ve been arrested and dumped in a pig-pen, I’ve made up my own incomprehensible language, and I’ve watched people look ridiculous attempting to cross a stream whilst blindfolded.

The fancy dress evening was ACE, and I think I really pulled off the Lion King look! Everyone looked fantastic to be honest. We had some seriously fun nights in the mess and, for some reason, I managed to be the last of my friends in there on most nights. I didn’t actually drink that much but I just wanted to make the most of every night I had, and so ended up getting about an hours sleep most nights. Oops.

I’ve destroyed my body.

I sound like a freak because I ran myself down so much, which always results in me losing my voice. I’ve also developed a cough. My hands and arms are suntanned after spending one day kayaking, one day rock-climbing and another day cycling (which I hated. Seriously, I hate mountain biking). I have a scar on my knee from where I managed to slash my leg open on some barbed wire.

But I’ve had a fantastic time so it’s all been worth it. Gosh I’ll miss having an excuse to get outside and be energetic. I do so much running at the moment “so that I’m fit for OTC”, I buy outdoor clothes “for when we’re in the field” – now I no longer have these reasons, I’m going to have to remind myself that I actually enjoy it.

I'll post photos when they're uploaded...

Realisations

Over these past couple of weeks I have come to some realisations:

Yesterday morning was the last day of camp, and my chance to say my final goodbyes. However, I realised that the majority of the goodbyes that should have upset me, didn’t upset me at all. Either I was saying goodbye and meaning “I’ll give you a ring tomorrow” or “I’ll see you next month when we visit each other”, or I was merely hugging someone with little emotion because neither of us cared whether we saw each other again.

Then again, there were the odd few that upset me. And they were the ones I wasn’t expecting... such as Kim.

Little, sweet Kim, who has been in my platoon for the last year, and gone relatively unnoticed. As Sam said in his final speech to the platoon; she’s not the fittest, or the most able of the group, but she’s always tried, and she’s stuck it out to the end. By the end of this week I’d fallen in love with her cheery disposition and quirky ways. Although I won’t necessarily miss her, I feel gutted to have only just discovered her.

And then there’s Steve. With Steve comes my second realisation...

We, basically, broke up. Yes, again. Yes, for the 3^rd time. And yes, for the final time.

So saying goodbye to him should really have been saying goodbye once and for all – a pretty emotional affair. But, well, it’s wasn’t. Primarily because we’re both going up to Dundee in a few days to work on a Cadet Camp but also because, despite breaking up, I still feel that closeness with him that I just can’t let go of.

My second realisation was that I am practically unable to let things go, and I am much more comfortable with simply letting people fade away. I suppose it’s not really groundbreaking news because, if you know me at all, you know that I find it impossible to let go of things, of people, of anything. I keep in touch with everyone, I write memories down to ensure they’re not lost, and I store all kinds of junk in various boxes and drawers. I dump boyfriends and regret it; I treasure exes as best friends.

I’ve never dealt with death. People don’t just leave me... they fade away.

The Prodigal Blog

I'm back!

We left Okehampton Camp at 8am this morning, headed to Monty's for a BBQ, and then Hannah drove me back to Leamington.

I am exhausted.

I have so much to write about, but I've had so little sleep over the past 2weeks. All I want to do is crawl into bed... so that's what I'm going to do.

Tomorrow I am planning on doing as little as possible, so I may attempt to upload photos and write a proper post.

The thought of doing this all over again in a few days is filling me with dread!

Flying Visit

I'm home! ...in rainy/sunny/rainy/sunny Leamington Spa.

Before I've even unpacked I'm being forced to pack again. Once again, I'm just not stopping... one thing after another is being thrown at me.
I got back Sunday evening (and saw the middle of the Federer/Nadal game - gutted he lost), and went straight to Helly's for a meal with the girls. On Monday I had to get to Birmingham for an interview with a supply teaching agency. It went well, so I'll start working with them when term starts in September! Today I have had to shop to get everything for camp, and I have spent a small fortune because bras and cosmetics and tights and torches and all things camp-related are bloody expensive! Tonight I'm nipping into town for a glass of wine with Becca, a catch-up with Alasdair, and a quick hello to everyone I've not seen in the past 5months or so. Then tomorrow I have to hop on a train and get myself down to Devon for camp. No rest for the wicked, eh?!

Graduation day was great. The Grad Ball sucked. My last few days in the house were a bit shit because arguments were blown out of proportion, but that's a long story to be told when I'm not rushing about like the Mad Hatter.

Camp's going to be emotional... just hopefully in a good way. We'll see. I'm sure there'll be lots to write about on my return!

Cap and Gown

A woop! I graduated - go me. I now have letters after my name!

Goodbyes Again

I am one stressed rosie.

I have no time for myself, let alone anyone else. Steve is feeling neglected, but I did warn him I'd be stressed. And I really don't think I'm being out of order by saying that, well, at the moment it really is all about me. Today is the my graduation; a celebration of my past 3yrs. A chance for my parents to be proud of me and a chance for me to say my final goodbyes to a lot of people and a lot of aspects of my life.

I've been packing since 10am yesterday and I'm on the verge of being done. It's been horrendous.

I took my pinboard from my wall and started taking bits off it to box away... gig tickets, cinema tickets, letters, postcards, photos, businesscards... I ended up disintegrating into a tearful mess as each one hammered in the realisation that this is the end of my life as I know it. The end of this university chapter. And that, well, it's never really going to be the same again.
I'm not saying it's all going to be downhill from here, but it's just not going to be the same.

Claire walked past my door and I wailed "Why c-c-can't we st-stay another y-yeeear?!" She shrugged an apology, and just hugged me. Steve appeared a bit later and as he popped his head into my room he discovered my tear-stained face attempting to smile at him... so he just grabbed me into a hug too, which was exactly what I needed.

When I left home three years ago, this was my packing:

But by then end of today I have double that amount, despite filling 3 bin bags and having another full bag for the charity shop:

Highlight of the day: Sorting out my fancy dress box.

The end is nigh...

I was just woken by the sound of smashing glass. No, we weren't be broken into; I was just about to miss the recycling men! Seeing as this is our last week in the house, it was imperative that they collected ours so that the stinking pile wasn't let any longer in the kitchen.
So, I threw on a pair of jeans and ran barefoot down the street with it. Why hadn't I thought it might be a good idea to wear a bra? The whole street got a right eyeful as my boobs bounced down the street - the only thing keeping my dignity being a skimpy lacy hotpink vest.

Oh well, I'm moving out on Saturday!



Wednesday
Graduation - Shirt, skirt, black shoes (x2 - heels, and flats), brown belt, scarf(?)
Evening - Shorts and grey shirt, pink shoes, grey belt, black bag

Thursday
Daytime - Jeans, hoodie, t-shirt, bigbrownbag, brown belt, brown shoes
Evening - Black&White cocktail dress, purple tights, black shoes, black bag

Friday
Daytime - Jeans, hoodie, t-shirt, bigbrownbag, brown belt, brown shoes
Evening - Yellow dress, black lace, black corsage (yet to be bought), black shoes (new ones?), black bag

Saturday
Traveling - New white shirt, white vest, jeans, brown belt, brown shoes

So yeah, I can fit all that in a suitcase, right?
Check me out and my ability to plan outfits... I never plan outfits!