Saturday, 26 July 2008


She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye
she would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
she's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright
for answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight

She must rinse this all away
she can't hold him this way
she must rinse this all away
she can't love him this way

How she'd be soothed, how she'd be saved if he could see
she needs to be held in his arms to be free
but everything happens for reasons that she will never understand
'til she knows the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man


And if she runs away she fears she won't be followed
what could be the worse than leaving something behind
and as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow
it's loneliness she finds...
if only he was mine
Rinse - Vanessa Carlton

It's one of my favourite songs. One of my favourites when I'm feeling sorry for myself. It seems rather apt right now.

I just basically got told that the reason an old best friend has pretended I don't exist for the past year, openly ignoring me in public situations, is because... because he realised what I'm like. He realised, and decided that he doesn't want to be friends with someone like me.
After a year of making me feel like crap, he's decided we have to be civil with each other "for the good of the group". Despite me always wanting to sort it out and hating the atmosphere that surrounded us, he would never give me an explanation for his sudden change in behaviour towards me. But now he wants to clear the air. So I agreed to talk.

He still offered no explanation as to how I'd "changed" or what I'd done that was so wrong.

So all I can gather from him is that there is a fundamental flaw in my personality. There is something wrong with me that has caused him to intentionally have nothing to do with me.

And now I'm petrified that someone else is going to discover that same flaw. Someone else is going to realise what I'm "really like" and cut me out of their life similarly.

If I knew what was so wrong with me, I could attempt to change it. But... how do I fix something if I don't know it's broken?

Before I attempt to soul search any further, I have something else to do. I'm making a conscious decision to clear Bash from my life.
After Belgium I decided I wanted nothing more to do with him, but I couldn't do it properly because he was so involved in my life through mutual friends, our degree, and OTC. But now the only ties we have are our friends. I'll be off to France and he'll be off to Sandhurst, so there is no real need for our paths to cross again.

D'you know what hurts the most? For a long time Bash was the only person outside my family that I believe ever really knew me. I was honest with him beyond belief. So if he's seen the real me, and then decided he doesn't like it, what the hell does that tell me? It tells me to keep things to myself, like I always planned to do.

I recently opened up to Steve. Now all I have to do is wait for him to follow in Bash's footsteps.

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