Realisations

Over these past couple of weeks I have come to some realisations:

Yesterday morning was the last day of camp, and my chance to say my final goodbyes. However, I realised that the majority of the goodbyes that should have upset me, didn’t upset me at all. Either I was saying goodbye and meaning “I’ll give you a ring tomorrow” or “I’ll see you next month when we visit each other”, or I was merely hugging someone with little emotion because neither of us cared whether we saw each other again.

Then again, there were the odd few that upset me. And they were the ones I wasn’t expecting... such as Kim.

Little, sweet Kim, who has been in my platoon for the last year, and gone relatively unnoticed. As Sam said in his final speech to the platoon; she’s not the fittest, or the most able of the group, but she’s always tried, and she’s stuck it out to the end. By the end of this week I’d fallen in love with her cheery disposition and quirky ways. Although I won’t necessarily miss her, I feel gutted to have only just discovered her.

And then there’s Steve. With Steve comes my second realisation...

We, basically, broke up. Yes, again. Yes, for the 3^rd time. And yes, for the final time.

So saying goodbye to him should really have been saying goodbye once and for all – a pretty emotional affair. But, well, it’s wasn’t. Primarily because we’re both going up to Dundee in a few days to work on a Cadet Camp but also because, despite breaking up, I still feel that closeness with him that I just can’t let go of.

My second realisation was that I am practically unable to let things go, and I am much more comfortable with simply letting people fade away. I suppose it’s not really groundbreaking news because, if you know me at all, you know that I find it impossible to let go of things, of people, of anything. I keep in touch with everyone, I write memories down to ensure they’re not lost, and I store all kinds of junk in various boxes and drawers. I dump boyfriends and regret it; I treasure exes as best friends.

I’ve never dealt with death. People don’t just leave me... they fade away.