Friday, 7 November 2008

Amdram.

I started writing this when I got home last night. I appear to be a more eloquent writer whilst drunk - much like I am a better french-speaker quand je suis ivres. However I also appear to have been pretty angry last night... So this post has been slightly censored, and added to this evening. I know that my writing is pretty open, but that's always been my style...


Why did I go and do that?

Alasdair, you're going to read this. I know you will. Either... don't, or enjoy it.

My previous cryptic post was with regards to Alasdair. Alas-bloody-dair. We're friends. Really good friends, as far as I was concerned. But as far as he was concerned, we were more than that and he'd been trying to get into my knickers ever since we met. Quote.
I always saw it as that we were just friends. Until he started telling me about the American, and his dates with her. Suddenly my jealous streak reared it's ugly head and I suddenly cared. I realised a couple of nights ago that, well, I missed him. The previous post attempted to convey my emotions without being particularly forthright. It was, apparently, screamingly obvious that he was the subject of my thoughts.

Yesterday evening we met for dinner, under the premise that I'd "missed" him. As friends do... I had missed him. But I'd also let my mind wander over what might be, and what someone else might take away from me.



So the evening ended in his room, with my Internal Turmoil routine. Very amdram of me but essential nonetheless.
    Firstly, I don't want to start anything. When I leave the country I am not leaving anything or anyone behind. I doubt even Steve and I would have survived my time away, and we managed a long-distance relationship for 12months (ish).
    Alasdair's response is that we're not starting anything and I'm overreacting. Just because we kiss, or sleep together, we don't necessarily have to the grand romance of the century. Which leads me on to my second point..

    If I start something now, I don't particularly want something that isn't serious. I'm fed up with casual dalliances. As pathetic as it may sound, I read an article in Glamour Magazine about ditching casual sex. It was written by a girl who was much like me and I really related to it. I'm fed up of things being about sex... and it's me that's got to do something about it. I'm not saying I'm staying celibate and hunting for The One, but I'm slowing my bed-hopping to a more reserved pace. I suppose it's kind of about self-respect.

So. Yes. I'm back to my screwing with unsuspectors heads. Go me.

4 comments:

theforgottengirl said...

Thanks for your comment! I’m really with you on this post, actually the man who my previous deep post was about, actually in a round about way offered to sleep with me if I went back to England – there was me pouring my heart out about connections and history and he basically told me (in a buttered up way) that a fling would be great.

So I can emphasise with this -- and if you are leaving, don't leave with any attachments even in a sexual way, trust me I know!

Err no. Casual sex is something I do often, but if I don’t stop it now this is going to be my life for a long time yet and I really think its time I changed my thinking.

chocoholiclola said...

I know what you mean, I feel that way at the moment. It's hard when you don't want a serious relationship but you want more then just sex. I'm not ready to throw myself into another relationship (I've had two serious relationships end this year, I think I'm done) but I miss having some kind of meaningful male attention.

(Btw I've tried to post at least two comments recently but it doesn't seem to want to log me into livejournal, but you know who I am!)

pinkjellybaby said...

oh dear. well it sounds like you haven't messed the friendship up...which is a good thing, but also sounds like you need to talk to him. If you don't want something casul, and he does, best to nip it in the bud...on the other hand, he might not want something so casual when he realises you don't either...

rosiewishes. said...

TFG - I have many a happy fling/casual sex, but I just know it's not really what I want at the moment. I've thought it in the past, but I'm really bad at sticking to my guns! ...I just have a really good excuse this time; France.

Laura - Nail. On. Head. "you don't want a serious relationship but you want more then just sex" I just want Mr Fantastic to come along who understands that... or maybe Monsieur Fantastique, ha!
Of course I know you!

Pink - We've talked... and talked... and then I go and get drunk and do something stupid that just ruins everything we've talked about! So I guess we'll talk again...