Learning not to piss on the carpet.

"What are you up to?"
"Cleaning the bathroom"
"Oh? Good girl!!"

Seriously. Was there ever a more patronising phrase than good girl?? When I argue with my father I'm told what he expects of me, and when I live up to (or surpass) his expectations I'm greeted with patronisation!

I've always had a theory about the relationship between parents and their teenage/adult children... I just think that parents expect teenage tantrums and so provoke such behaviour. After provocation a teenager reacts and the parent mocks the reactive behavior. And, if you treat someone like a teenage idiot, they act like it.

They're doing the same thing now. Since returning home from university, my parents have treated me like a teenager and, as a result, I have slightly reverted back to how I behaved pre-uni. They don't ask, but I feel I should tell them where I'm going and who with. Sometimes I can't be bothered with the questions and insinuations so I just lie because it's easier. When I told them I was going to the cinema with Alasdair I was mockingly questioned; Ooh, is he your boyfriend?? They are the ones being juvenile! I decided in future to tell them I'm meeting a girl, called Alice; it's easier.

I miss having my own house so much. We didn't keep it totally spick and span because, c'mon, we were students after all. But I knew what needed doing and just did it as part of my day. Now I live with the parents and, although they expect me to do things around the house, I'm never totally sure of what needs doing or in what order or how often it should be done. And my mum over does things anyway - she irons everything! and I'm just not prepared to go to such lengths sometimes.
I'm not allowed to cook because that is Dad's thing and noone else's cooking is ever good enough for him. The last time I cooked (pasta) he took it back to the kitchen, added cheese, put it under the grill, added his own seasoning... What a bastard?! I can't imagine the hell that would be unleashed if I attempted to disrespect him in such a way. And, in all honesty, I don't like most of his cooking. It's not what I choose to eat; it's what's placed in front of me regardless of whether I want to eat it or not.

But then I have Mum constantly doing her Little Red Hen routine and Dad shouting about what he expects from me - threatening to charge me rent.
I told Mum to write a list of things that need doing and I said I'd just do them as and when I'd have time. Now whenever I do something I get praised like a puppy. Like I've just learned not to piss on the carpet.